New Life After Loss

Nobody truly gets it unless you’ve been there, but even then, no two situations are ever the same. However, the way people look at you tends to be about the same: they all think that since you have this beautiful new baby in front of you, all of the grief from your loss should disappear. Wrong. So wrong on so many levels.

Losing Thea was by far the hardest thing my husband and I have ever dealt with. We decided to go ahead and try for another child anyway. It wasn’t to replace what we lost, but we didn’t feel we were ready to call our family complete yet. It didn’t happen right away though and I was naive and thought I would feel better once I saw those two pink lines. Boy was I in for a surprise.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was instantly more reserved than excited. I wanted to be excited, but I couldn’t stand to feel connected to another little baby that could be taken from me. Instead I tried to ignore the fact that I was even pregnant for a while, even though I noticed every little thing with my body that wasn’t normal. My anxiety gradually got to an all time high. I was literally scared of going to scheduled ultrasounds, because it was at a routine ultrasound we found out Thea’s heart had stopped beating. The appointments between 20-22 weeks were the worst. I wanted to go to make sure everything was ok, but was terrified of hearing they weren’t at the same time.

It wasn’t until around 30 weeks that I finally accepted the fact that I might actually have a healthy baby this time. That flipped the switch on a new level of anxiety. Would the baby be early and need NICU? How would true labor go and who would deliver the baby? What would my reaction be if the baby was another boy...or another girl? Around 34 weeks I really started to panic over all of the little things. I kept it together at work, avoided being public, and was a disaster at home.

All of the anxiety over the labor and birth was over nothing. It all went perfectly fine. We had a girl. This didn’t really hit me right away, as I was more relieved about the fact that I had this little baby looking up at me and crying. Truly the best sound ever after giving birth to a baby that never had the chance to cry. The thing that scared me most about having a girl was feeling like we were trying to replace Thea. Thankfully, even to this day, I have never actually felt like that was the case. The problem has actually been far from that,..instead so many little things I’ve had to do with Clara make me wish Thea were here even more. Things aren’t magically better now that we have a healthy baby girl. This quote from an article I read earlier this week explains it the best.

The torture is in everything. There are so many little things that most people wouldn’t think twice about that trigger a whirlwind of emotions. Putting Clara in the car seat to take her home from the hospital-Thea never was in a car seat. Sleepless nights because Clara was restless-I’d give anything to have a one year old next to us keeping me awake a little more. Choosing godparents for Clara-who would we have chosen for Thea? Hanging newborn pictures on the wall-we are missing a child. We will always be missing a child. That is the only part of it all that is plain and simple. The closest Clara will ever be to her sister is this way-which stops me for a second every time she grabs it.

It is hard, it really is. I am still more than thankful to have Clara, don’t get me wrong. I also realize that if we had ended up having a boy, the emotions wouldn’t be any better, they’d just be different because I wouldn’t ever have the experiences with a girl. Either way, it would have been a new life after a loss, meaning there wouldn’t be anything simple about it.

 I will say I never experienced anything like this after our other losses, but they were all first trimester. They were still hard, I had some anxiety during the next pregnancies until hitting the second trimester point, but then I thought I was safe. Now I know first hand there is never a safe point and to never assume those things never happen to you. They can and with no explanation as to why. If there is anything I have learned from this whole experience, it would be to appreciate every little thing. For both the boys and for Clara, I know I can’t take anything for granted, because it can always be taken in a blink of an eye.

Thea's Story

I know that there are a lot of people still curious, because I still get people randomly asking what happened. Since October is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month, I figured I would share our most recent story of loss. For those who don't know, this was actually our 4th loss. No names are used of visitors/staff just to provide privacy-but you ALL were amazing in holding it together and for all you did for us<3





We had originally planned to be done after four boys, but eventually decided we didn't feel complete. After going back and forth with the idea of another child, I checked in with my doctor to make sure it was even a safe option, since we had some complications with preterm labor/delivery prior. After getting the ok on it, we tried to conceive for several months.





As it usually happens, the month that I had pretty much given up and said we were going to stop trying for a few months so I could run a race the next spring, things changed. I was out of town and had taken a couple of pregnancy tests with me, just in case. Sure enough, it was positive. I text my husband a picture of the two pink lines and he thought I was kidding at first.

The first trimester was pretty uneventful. My blood work was doing what it was supposed to. There was the flicker of a heartbeat on the ultrasounds. I was able to find the heartbeat on my own Doppler around 10 weeks. Even with everything being normal, we kept things quiet until the end of the first trimester and didn't even tell our parents or kids until Christmas. We were kind of holding off until after the first trimester since we have had a loss at the very end of it before. We just felt more comfortable that way. By the time we were ready to share, our close friends lost their precious little one year old boy unexpectedly. We waited a couple more weeks before sharing, trying to lessen the blow that we were expecting after they had just had a terrible loss (even though they already knew-it just seemed like the right thing to do). So we were about 15 weeks along by the time we made it "Facebook official."

On February 22 I had my full ultrasound. Against my husband's wishes we still didn't find out the gender. Baby was measuring one day ahead and weighed approximately 0.66lbs. My cervical length (which I have had issues with in the past) was measuring shorter than what they prefer at this time, so I was referred to MFM in Des Moines and told me I should stop running. I saw them 5 days later and they repeated the full ultrasound again, still managing to keep they gender a secret, and everything again was normal. The doctor that saw us down in DM was in the room for about two minutes to say they weren't concerned about my shorter cervical length or history of preterm labor/birth and sent me on my way. They also told me resume normal activities and that they didn't recommend monitoring anything more than usual.

My doctors didn't exactly agree with MFM so two weeks later I went in after work for a cervical length check. I was excited because it was back to the normal length, but I could tell something wasn't right. Usually baby was moving everywhere while she was scanning, but there wasn't any movement. They always check a heart beat before ending scans so we flipped over to do that, where there was nothing moving. The tech tried checking every way possible and there was no movement anywhere. The tech took my hand and told me she couldn't find a heart beat. She asked if I would mind if she did a full scan, which I agreed, and everything still looked normal, minus the lack of blood flow anywhere. I text my husband and I don't think he really believed me at first, because that kind of a thing just isn't supposed to happen-right? I also asked the tech to let my normal doctor know, even though it was her day off, so I didn't have to deal with anyone else. She called her and said we would talk later, but to go home for now.





When she was finished I went to change and came back out, knowing I had to face my coworkers still go get my things before I could leave. The tech asked if I wanted her to go with me, which I declined, and she gave me a hugged. That's when I actually broke down. I walked back to the nursery, trying to avoid people, but of course the girls could tell something was wrong. I remember that I was able to choke out "there was no heart beat" and they all cried a little and hugged me and one coworker offered to drive me home, but I don't remember leaving or much of the drive home. I text my doctor briefly and we decided on inducing the next morning. I also asked what the sex of the baby was since she was the one that knew-it was a girl.





The rest of the day was kind of a blur. When I got home I remember going straight to my bed with my husband following and just crying. I just kept replaying the moment in my hand where the tech took my hand and said there was no heart beat. This wasn't supposed to be happening to us. The kids were in school so I didn't have to face them until later in the afternoon. They didn't seem to fully understand what was going on at first, but they were more concerned to see me crying. Once it sunk in a little I think Jaxton was actually pretty upset about it too, even though he wouldn't admit it or talk about it. Bentley was pretty quiet, but I think he understood and hated me being upset too. Grabbed a little notebook and started drawing in it calling it "mom's book of love." At some point I told my mom and a couple of close friends by text, but I didn't actually talk to anyone. That night I was able to sleep surprisingly enough, but probably only because I had worked the night before and been up all day, not to mention being emotionally drained as well.

We got up fairly early the next morning, kissed the boys, and took off for the hospital. We stopped at Wal-Mart on the way and I made my husband run in and grab a small set of blankets to use, since I wasn't sure what we had at the hospital. No way I was going to handle going in there with him. It was by far the longest drive I have ever made to Clarion. I don't remember a lot of what we talked about, but we did have to decide on a name. We had pretty much already had a first name decided, but weren't sure of what to use for middle names (all of the boys have two middle names). We ended up just going with what I had suggested a couple of times, because it really wasn't worth arguing at this point.





When we got to the hospital I had to stop by registration and I just told them where I was going since I had text earlier to find out. I made my way down to a small room on the floor, once again avoiding looking at anyone when possible. My boss met me in there to go through the usual consents and another nurse stopped in to start an IV for me. We also were asked what funeral home we wanted contacted. This hadn't even crossed our minds at the time and it really made the situation even more real. We just went with the same place our friends had used for their son just months before, since they had nothing but good things to say. My doctor came in shortly after and had to do another ultrasound just to check again that there was no heart beat-again there was nothing. She placed the Cytotec (medication to stimulate contractions) and told me she had to leave for a bit to do surgery at another hospital, but that she should be back by noon. That was around 9. We were pretty much left alone for the morning-the girls know that's what I prefer-and I don't really remember much of it. I wasn't feeling much by the time the doctor came back around noon to place another dose of Cytotec. Again, another few hours that were pretty eventful. One of my friends stopped in to see me since she was in town and my mom ended up coming over at some point. I started feeling the contractions a little more at this time, but they still weren't too bad. I had been told if I wanted pain medication or even an epidural at anytime, I could have them, but I don't really care for pain meds. The last dose was placed sometime late afternoon and they said it probably wouldn't be much longer. This time I started feeling more contractions and was actually getting uncomfortable. About 5:45pm I gave in and asked for something for the pain. My nurse could tell I definitely was in pain and asked how much I wanted-to which I made the mistake of saying I don't care. She gave me Dilaudid and it didn't do anything right away, but seconds after I could tell the baby was coming. Luckily my nurse knew to call the doctor after she saw me so she came in and within minutes our baby girl, Thea Jo Makenzie, was born en caul at 6:00pm.





I can still see my doctor taking her tiny little body over to look her over before asking if I wanted to hold her. They wrapped her in one of the little blue towels we usually use to clean people up after they have babies. I held her and my husband and I just cried. She looked perfect and it was so hard to let it sink in that she really wasn't perfect-she wasn't breathing and crying like a baby is supposed to be. I started getting sick about this time from the pain medication (part of why I usually don't take it) and felt awful. I'm sure being drained mentally didn't help with this, but I was so nauseous and dizzy I could barely sit up and had to hand over Thea. I think this is when they weighed and measured her-1lb 2.3oz and 12in. I was given some Zofran and Reglan and once some people left the room I took a few pictures of her on my camera.

I still wasn't feeling great so they ended up giving me another nausea medication-Phenergan-that also usually makes you drowsy. The nurses took Thea to the nursery for a bit to do what was needed for the genetic testing we agreed to and they helped us switch rooms since one next door with an extra bed was now open. My night shift nurse brought me cake and some other snacks that night shift had brought in, but I wasn't able to eat anything. Once they were finished with what was needed they brought her back in to us and we were able to hold her as long as we wanted. She was wrapped in more blankets now and had on one of the gowns that a lady donates to the hospital for babies who pass. The girl from the funeral home came in at some point and apparently it was a little confusing since we were in a different county and had decided to do an autopsy. She asked what we wanted to do with the remains once they returned to them, which we chose to have her cremated instead of trying to decide where to bury her. She said she would call when Thea's body was back in town so we could hold her one last time if we wanted. She said a lot more at the time that really didn't register. Eventually the medication hit me and I slept through most of the night, with the exception of waking up for vitals.

The next morning I got up fairly early and got ready to head home. We were discharged pretty early since they knew I wanted to leave and luckily my doctor had to be there early anyway. It was so hard to leave the hospital and know that my baby was still there waiting to be picked up. This led to the longest drive home from Clarion. I was so thankful my husband had stayed with me the entire time. Shortly after getting back home we had to head over to the funeral home. You really just don't pay attention to all of the little things that have to be done until you have to live it and the day after giving birth is not the ideal time to try and keep yourself together at a funeral home. I learned this the hard way. We had to decide whether or not to have a service-which we decided against simply because she had never actually lived outside of me, so nobody had the chance to meet her. We were asked if we wanted to write an obituary or have one printed at all. I decided to write one-probably one of the hardest things I have ever written. We had to sign the forms for our little girl to be cremated and then we had to pick out the urn and were given links to pick out jewelry if desired. All of this the day after having a baby.

I don't remember a whole lot about the next week except a lot of messages and gifts coming in, from people I hadn't talked to in years even. The amount of support was overwhelming. The first few days I cried every time I opened a card or gift. Some of them I just made my husband open because I didn't want to deal with it. Although there was love with everything sent, it was just so hard knowing why everyone was sending everything. We truly did appreciate it all though! Oh and there was a lot of pumping during that time at home also. I pumped for about a month and was able to donate to a very special little guy with Trisomy 18. Knowing that even though it was a small amount, it was going to someone who truly needed it, was something that felt amazing.

The next week the funeral home was supposed to get her body back on Monday. They were supposed to call me when this happened. It was a hard decision to make, but I wanted to hold her one last time. My husband had decided he wanted to not see her again after the autopsy, which I completely respected, but the thought of going there alone was terrifying. I did have one friend who offered to come and go with me if I wanted, which I really debated, but the end of the day came and the funeral home hadn't called. I called them and they said that she wouldn't be back until later in the evening, so I had to wait again. This time they told me I could come at 10:00 though, so I at least had a time. When I walked in I had to sign a form before they would even go get her, stating that I was aware what she could look like and the funeral director briefly explained that since she was being cremated they hadn't gone through any measures to make her presentable, except wrapping her in a blanket. They took me to a "viewing room" and brought her in and shut the doors. I have no idea how long I was in there and I just held her close and cried and asked why this was happening. Opening the doors and saying they could have her back, knowing I would never see her again-that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Ever.

About a week later we were called to pick up the ashes. I was supposed to go back to work that night, but I asked for one day off. It just wasn't right to pick up remains and leave for work within a couple of hours. This wasn't easy walking out with a little heart either, knowing that was all we had left.

It took a long time for everything to start coming in (except the bills of course). Eventually we got the genetic testing back-all normal. The pathology-all normal. All of my blood work-everything you could possibly think of-all normal. The autopsy took the full 90 days they were allowed before the report was released-all normal. I think that not having a single answer is probably the hardest part of it all. There is nothing to try and watch the next time around. We know nothing at all. It sucks.

The days were hit and miss at times, but luckily I had a great support system and my husband and I stayed very close though it all instead of growing apart. Eventually it got a little easier to talk about things, even though most people find it awkward to even ask. A couple of friends (you both know who you are) were amazing at checking in and letting me vent or ask questions at any time<3 There still are days where I am set off by simple things, but I don't know that it will ever go away. At this point I have to say that I am doing better than I expected I would be though. I think part of this is due to working in OB and just knowing that things like this do happen-to anyone. The hardest days are probably helping those who really don't want kids and  yet they get to take healthy babies home with them to not so great environments. But I also know there is nothing I can do but go on.





If anyone actually made it this far I want to thank you. Seriously, the support from everyone has been amazing. Almost 7 months later and I still have random people sending me messages saying they are thinking and praying for us. It is amazing how many people care<3

Bentley's Back in School

Yesterday Bentley's preschool had a centers day for parents to go with the kids and meet the teacher/do some activities. For the most part Bentley really enjoyed it. He was goofy as usual saying he didn't know how to do things like write his name, but did just fine with it. I didn't take a ton of pictures since it was pretty crowded, but we got a few:)

Their "sand castle" built out of blocks

His animals in the water

He wanted a picture with me but it was too bright to look at the camera so he kept turning away

Love this little man

Today was his first real day of class so we had to take a few more pictures! He loves school so much and it is great for him because the kid is super smart and has a great imagination. I can't wait to see how much he grows throughout the year!

He had to have a picture by the tree like Jax did

He wanted me to take a picture of him at school too:)

Grey's First Bath and a Trip to the Park

I haven't had a whole lot to post lately except what I have been sharing on Facebook. Grey's bilirubin has been my main source of stress over the past week and it just continues. I am still standing my ground though since he isn't at dangerous levels and there are credible websites saying that treating with formula isn't actually effective anyway. So basically we are hoping for some sun soon and going back for more bloodwork on Thursday. We went out to the park yesterday so he could get some sun and the other boys could run for a bit so of course I have pictures to share:)

Ready to go

Running ahead of me

Get these things off of me!

"Take picture me mama"

Monkey boy

He had to stand at the top for a picture and then swing off it

 Grey also got his first real bath yesterday. His cord fell off within the first week, but giving a sponge bath is just easier sometimes. He obviously wasn't pleased at first but once he warmed up a little more it wasn't as bad.

And since I have nowhere else to post more cute baby pictures here are a few more:)

Final Days of Summer

I have too many pictures piling up from the past few days! I have to say it is awesome being home again to spend more time with my kids and actually be able to take more pictures! Working 40 hours a week was not exactly how I had planned to spend my summer and I feel horrible about it, but at least it is over with.

We have kept pretty busy trying to enjoy the last days before school started for Jaxton. We have put together a 500 piece puzzle (mostly Jax and I), made sock puppets, went to the park, gone to multiple blood draws and a doctor's appt, and gone swimming at GaGa's (since our pool got a hole).

He had to make a face for this one! This puzzle was kind of a pain since there were not only 500 pieces but they were three different sizes also!

Little man has slept through most of the fun stuff

Crazy Korbin getting in trouble as usual

Waiting for brothers playing at the park

Popsicles after the park

Then getting sprayed with the hose while daddy was supposed to be filling the water table

Making sock puppets!

Naturally, their puppets wanted to fight

Taking a break from the puppets to hold Greyson

After they performed a puppet show for us

He got mad at me for something stupid and got his usual attitude that recently came about where he crosses his arms and makes a hilarious face (glaring). I told him to hold his angry face while I grabbed my camera and by then he thought he was pretty funny again. Too cute not to share though:)

"I swimming"

He asks to hold Grey multiple times a day<3 

Jax loves holding him too and doesn't rush me taking him back by any means

Jax just loved how Grey grabbed onto his finger and didn't want to let it go

Today was kind of nice to just hang out at home since it was rainy and relax a bit while Jaxton had his first day of 1st grade! It seems crazy that he is old enough for that already but he was super excited to be back in school and get away from his brothers that he claims tend to drive him crazy:) He said he likes his teacher and a lot of his friends from last year are in his class again this year so he is ready to go back tomorrow!

Quick update on Greyson too while I'm at it. On Monday his bilirubin was down to 13.1. It wasn't quite as low as his doctor would have liked, but yesterday at his appointment he said he looked great and we finally got to get rid of the bili-blanket! We have to go back one more time this week to make sure it is still going down and then we should be in the clear. He weighed in at 6lbs 7oz, which was only 1oz up from a week ago. Since it was up I was told to just make sure he is eating fine and if I have any concerns about him not gaining to get him weighed again. He still eats like a champ and was actually due to eat when we got there so I am not worried about it at all. We are still thankful for how great of a baby he has been! I managed to sneak in some time for a few pictures today and hope to get a few more done by the end of the week.

Snuggles with my baby

Here is what the bili-blanket looks like for those who don't have any clue what I am talking about. It wraps around him and has the UV lights. The cord hanging out is actually fairly heavy and made it super awkward to try and snuggle with him. Needless to say I am extra glad we are done with it!

And just a couple from today...

Now off to feed the munchkin again before he screams at me...